Healing Body: It's been a VERY long time since I last posted, I am still working out and dieting.  I have gone clothes and even the dreaded bathing suit shopping lately and was not ready to burst into tears - so that's a positive!  I tried on a dress that my husband bought for me when we were on our honeymoon almost 4 years ago and I could actually wear it.  I'm planning on getting it out of the closet to wear on our anniversary, which is about a week away. I am very excited about that, since I wore it once the summer we were married and then haven't been able to wear it again since.  Things on the weight issue front are going well - I still need to lose about 8 to 10 more pounds and the reason is I really slacked off on exercising since the last post, but I have gotten back up on that horse and am glad that with my eating habits I at least plateaued and didn't re-gain while I was slacking.  Jillian Michael's and her workout DVD feel like they are going to kill me, I even got light headed this morning (forgot that whole breath in and breath out thing because I was concentrating on some of the difficulty of the move and my inability to do it well) - but I know I won't die and am hoping to have my goal finally met by the time the four week exercise program is over - I'm currently in week two.

Healing Mind:  I still have thoughts about the people and uncontrollable situations in my life that can cause a lot of stress and hurt.  I've been getting help for that and finding ways to deal with those thoughts.  Basically, I just ask myself is what they say to me or about me is true - if so I own it and take care of it, as best as I can.  If not then it's their garbage and I don't take it on.  Trust me this a lot easier said than done and I am taking probably the smallest baby steps in the world about doing it - but baby steps are better than no steps at all.  I've learned that I don't have to be a people pleaser as long as I don't hurt others - it's not selfish to do something for me, and not what is expected of me.  This I can tell is going to be a long process - but it's working on the process that counts.
I still get assaulted with the thoughts of you're not good enough when I'm tired and I just can't take the whining of my two-year-old, I'll start to think a better Mom would be more patient.  or when she went to her first Mommy's Day Out and the teacher was a little critical, I felt like a failure.  However, I must say that I retrained my thinking fast on that one - I just thought well, Pam - she's only two and a half and never been in a situation like this before, she'll be an old pro by the end of the summer.  Also, as luck would have it you got one of the blah teachers with zero personality or warmth - chalk it up to experience for when she gets the really horrible teachers in the future. (I can say this because I used to be a teacher, so I can spot a paycheck teacher from the real deal a mile away)  I felt so much better after that inward perspective struggle and DID NOT pick up that woman's garbage bag to carry around with me.  Like I said this is easier said than done and can be hard to do with certain people and certain situations, especially those who seem to never make the right or responsible choices.  that part still makes me angry and it's hard not be on the back of the garbage truck picking up all their junk.  but I am trying, and in the end that's all that I can do.

Healing Soul:  Still getting attacked by the enemy, the devil - as you can see in the above section about healing mind.  He still tries to scare me with the lose of my parents, the inadequacies I feel in my relationships, and the just plain parts of life that are difficult and depressing, as well as my anger and short fuse in certain situations and times.  I continue to pray and seek the Lord with my whole heart - so that it is God's voice I hear telling me, that I can do all things through Him, because He strengthens me and that helps to drown out the voice of the enemy.  Sometimes, it's almost like the cartoons or sit-coms with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  But, this I know is part of the world of sin we live in and I need to only look up and ask for help.

Those Last 10 Pounds Can Be a Killer

Losing that last ten pounds is supposed to be the hardest part of a weight loss plan.  I don’t know why that is – but that’s what I’ve always heard and now I am experiencing it firsthand.  I have been doing a workout DVD called Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred.  I have finished 24 days and have lost weight and inches.  I have noticed a difference in my body and gone down a pant size. When I tried on dresses for Easter, I actually didn't cringe as I looked into the mirror in the dressing room - that was an awesome feeling!  I’m feeling the victory, but am also afraid of a backslide. I’ve been snacking and therefore hit a weight loss plateau.  Snacking in the past week or so has been hard as our eldest daughter had a birthday and there was birthday cake in the house, now there is Easter candy galore – I’m trying to psych myself out by thinking of getting into that bathing suit in about six weeks and use that as a motivator. However, on a positive note, I have not gained weight despite the snacking.  I have had enough will power to not over do it with snacking, I really want to keep up with my new healthier choices.  I know if I lose the weight and go back to my bad habits that in no time I'll be right back at the starting line.

 I have 6 days left in the last part of the exercise DVD and hope that I will at least lose a couple more pounds and a little bit more on the inches side as well when it is all said and done and I total everything up.  Stay tuned as I don't want to post the final tally until I've finished

For the first time, I actually enjoy working out.  I look forward to picking out a new exercise DVD in about a week and maybe that plateau will become a valley as I change up my workout. As a girl that has never been athletic or played sports, I am mystified at enjoying this experience – there is only one possible answer.  It has been an answered prayer, because I asked God to give me the will power to make it through this exercise routine.  There were days I felt like I was going to throw up and then die – but I still got back in there the next day and each routine has become a bit easier with time.

I’ll be honest there were days I wanted to give up and so I turned down the volume on the DVD and had my iPod playing some of my favorite praise songs – how could I quit when I had asked for God’s help?  How could I give up and say this is too hard, that is how do you ever tell Jesus, umm… sorry that was just too hard for me to do.

So as I have suffered pain of getting my body back into shape I have once again been reminded that I’m never alone and that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!

Healing a Wounded Mind and Broken Heart

Why I Haven’t Written Anything In A While:

I haven’t written a post in quite a while. Truth be told, it has been difficult to write anything at all.  I’ve had a lot of healing to do.  I’ve been hurting a lot and from a lot of different angles.  Hurt from others, and hurt from within.  I didn’t know how to write about it without sounding like I was whining or just a complete downer.  Plus there was the fact that I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know where to begin writing.  This blog is supposed to be about healing mind, body, and soul and not about complaining about the hurt – but rather how I, with the help of God, can heal. I am now at a place where I can write about it in a positive light and tell how I got some healing, just in case there is someone out there reading this that might be in the same place I was.

The Healing I Needed:

Here is some background to explain exactly what’s been going on with me. I had been hurting and this hurt was all getting tangled up and stuck in my head, therefore I needed some major healing of the mind. I was angry, down on myself, heartbroken, and well frankly sad. My mind was being attacked by the enemy on a large scale with thoughts of you’re not good enough for them, you’re not wanted by them, you’re not accepted by them, you’re not liked or loved by them, they would rather have someone else, etc. .These thoughts were breaking my heart and I knew I needed to do something to get these thoughts out of my head as it was starting to affect my marriage and my family. I prayed for some help, for some direction on where to go.  My husband asked me if I would please speak with my Bible Study teacher and my friend, Miss S. I knew this was a good idea, so I asked her if she could take some time to talk with me, which she of course did.

How I Got The Healing:

Talking with Miss S. made a profound difference for me, as she is a very wise Christian woman.  She helped me to remember that I am good enough, wanted, accepted, liked, and loved by God and that is all that really matters.  She also helped me to see that some of the people, who were hurting me, were doing so somewhat indirectly, because they just couldn’t see that their actions were hurtful.  She had immense understanding and wonderful insight of my situation. She gave great advice and told me how to pray about the situation.  I have prayed that these people have their eyes opened to their actions and the hurt it causes and that the will of God be done. I also, on her advice – just don’t go there.  As soon as I find myself thinking of the hurt, I simply say out loud: nope, not doing that.  With her help and lots of prayer I have accepted the things I can’t change and handed them over to God.  I know this sounds easier said than done, and frankly it is.  I still had days where I picked up what I had handed over, and then I would pray and hand it over again.  This was an ongoing process for weeks; until I was so sick of it I cried it out and talked with God.  He gave me the strength to really place it in His hands, and walk away from it. 

More Healing Needed:

So then the enemy came at me with an even bigger fear, the loss of a loved one.  You see there was a time in my life where for ten years straight, I lost a loved one.  Whether it was old age, illness, or even a suicide, the funerals just kept coming and people I loved just kept going home.  There was some solace in the fact that they were in a better place, but I still missed them dearly.  I lost my grandparents, a sorority sister that I adored, the lady that helped raise me, uncles, aunts, my uncle who was also my godfather, and the list goes on.  I started to feel so all alone and afraid.  I have cried and prayed about this for years, I am for the most part at peace with all of that loss. I try to concentrate on the time I had with them and that we will be reunited in our Father’s kingdom.  However, with that background, the fear of losing a loved one is something that is very real for me and this time it was even greater - my parents were getting sick and sicker, and the fear of losing one or both of them was realized. My mom was hospitalized for her heart condition last month and my dad has severe Parkinson’s Disease compounded by strokes.  Let me just pause here to say that I believe that Parkinson’s Disease is a tool of the devil.  It robs a person of their physical and metal capacities as well as some of their dignity.  It makes people waste away in front of your eyes from the top of their head to the tip of their toes and from the inside out – frankly, I HATE this disease!  So I was being attacked with thoughts of being orphaned – I know at thirty-five you’re not an orphan, but I am very close with my parents and losing them would feel as if I had been.  I have been praying for healing and comfort for my parents as well as understanding and patience for myself.

How I Got A Truckload of Healing:

I had been feeling better after my talk with Miss S. and our discussion had made a significant sense of peace come over me about the feelings I had of being unwanted by some of the people in my life.

However God wasn’t done healing me just yet, He had stepped in through this wonderful wise woman, and then He began stepping in through the music that I heard on the Christian radio station, and then again with greatest speaker I have ever heard in my life.

Here recently there are a bunch of songs that always seem to be playing on the Christian radio station I listen to, and having the lyrics run through my head all day is very much a part of the healing process I’ve been going through – I truly believe that God uses this medium to talk to us, we simply just have to listen.  I feel I need to post some lyrics to show how He is helping me, through these songs of praise.

“This is where the healing begins; this is where the healing starts. When you come to where you’re broken within, the light meets the dark, the light meets the dark.” – “Healing Begins” by Tenth Avenue North

“We all want love, we all want honor, but nobody wants to pay the asking price… It’s true what they say, love must be blind.  That’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side.  You’re still standing by my side when all the things I’ve done have left You bleeding.”  - “Undone” by FFH

“Take this world from me, I don’t need it anymore.  I am finally free, my heart is spoken for.  Ooh, and I praise You, ooh and I worship You.  Covered by Your love divine, child of the risen Lord, to hear You say this one’s Mine, my heart is spoken for. - “Spoken For” by Mercy Me

“You take my heart and breathe it back to life. I fall into Your arms open wide. When the hurt and the Healer collide.” – “The Hurt and the Healer” by Mercy Me

“All this time, form the first tear cry to today’s sunrise and every single moment between You were there.  You were always there, it was You and I.  You’ve been walking with me all this time.”- “All This Time” by Britt Nicole

These songs have made me sit up and listen.  God never leaves you, never forsakes you, He has plans only for good for you, He loves you beyond your wildest imaginings.

The Final Series In Healing:

A couple of weeks ago, we had a speaker come and visit our church.  His name is Rabbi Greg Hershberg.  He is a rabbi in a Messianic Jewish synagogue in Georgia.  Basically that means he believes and accepts Jesus as the Messiah, but is still Jewish by following the laws laid out in the Old Testament for his people.  His sermons on how much God loves you blew me away.  He said, (paraphrasing here):  that most of us know God loves us, but we don’t think He likes us very much.  Rabbi Greg said that there is no truth in that.  We are the apple of God’s eye, God’s beloved ones.  I started to think about the word beloved – wow, it’s one of those words that until you really open up your heart to hear it, you just breeze over it.  It means you are loved and cherished, above anything or anyone else. I believe that God sent this speaker to our church to wake me up and maybe quite a few others on just how much we are loved by our Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ.

How could I not be feeling better!  Thank you God, for being my great Healer and Comforter.

Wait on the Weight

Last week I thought I had lost enough weight to go down a size in jeans.  I was able to put on the size below the one I have been wearing, but they looked tight and made me have a serious muffin top.  I also tried on a single digit size pair of jeans and was able to actually pull them up over my thighs!  This should have been a victory, but I saw how fat even my knees looked in that full size mirror, and I felt bad about myself because I wasn’t already to my target weight.  I didn’t buy the smaller size jeans, I decided to wait until I felt more comfortable in them, and I was disappointed – I had to give myself a pep talk on the way home about fitting into them and being able to zip and button and the fact that I had been able to pull up the single digit size jeans.  Despite the pep talk and telling myself it was a victory – I still felt bad about myself and like a loser – not a pounds loser, just a loser in general.  I was sad, but had to keep reminding myself it took over four years to get to where you are, and in a week you have made progress.  I ended up being OK with all of this by the end of the evening and seeing it as progress.

Then the weekend came.  I went out to lunch and even though I chose to get the whole wheat bread on my BLT sandwich and not eat the chips that came with it – I did splurge and help my friend eat the fried foods appetizer.  Then on Sunday,  I went out to eat with my family after church and had a taco salad – I did get the chicken version.  But, I did not exercise Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, so I knew this wasn’t going to be good on Monday morning’s weigh in, even though I tried to convince myself that I had walked around quite a bit on Saturday shopping after the fried foods lunch – I still just knew the wii would say “ooooh” in that condescending tone when I stepped on it.  I was right; when I weighed in on Monday I had gone back up 2.8 pounds.  Since then I have taken off what I put back on during my weekend of laziness, but then yesterday I ate even less and exercised but somehow when I weighed in, I had gained again this morning.  Now I know why it’s called the roller coaster diet, and have a greater appreciation for people who have had weight battles all of their lives.  I’m the lucky one who just recently joined the weight war, but it is still so frustrating and infuriating!

My husband told me not to let it ruin my whole day, I’m trying not to, but I am down!  As I feel defeated, I am telling myself you are trying and you are losing, and that patience is a virtue for a reason.  I have been watching my points on weight watchers and exercising via the wii fit plus, and I just have to keep up the hard work and pray for the strength to keep walking past the cupcakes and cookies when I go grocery shopping and to eat my Special K chips in the snack cabinet as opposed to the ones I bought for the rest of the family.

So today in order to keep myself in a positive attitude as I attempt to heal mind, body and soul, I think of yesterday’s exercising experience.  I had a real reveleation during exercising yesterday. Here’s what happened:  I decided to try the aerobics part of the wii fit program – I have been easing myself into exercising with strength training, yoga, and balance games.  But yesterday I decided to try and burn more calories by doing the running part.  When you run using the wii you run through a park and there is your mii (basically a cartoon version of you) and other miis running with you, running through the park, and even standing on the side of the path cheering for you.  A long time ago when we first got our wii, my family got together and downloaded a bunch of mii characters, we have Scooby Doo, Homer Simpson, Ned Flanders, Mr. Burns, Wednesday Adams, Johnny Depp, Einstein, Batman, Jason from the Friday the 13^th movies, Will Smith, Chicken Little, a coupleof the guys from KISS in their full makeup, and a very wide range of other characters.  Most importantly we have a Jesus mii, yesterday I was feeling down as I exercised because I hadn’t placed in the rankings with my strength training or yoga.  But, as I ran around a corner in the park, who was there cheering me on?  The Jesus mii!  Wow – in that moment I felt good about myself, good that I was trying, good to know that even if I can’t run well, don’t place in rankings when I train, or get my mii all the way down the river in the balance bubble game – there is still someone I have a high ranking with, someone who loves me for me no matter what – God!  So I picked up my pace and really gave it my all as I ran through the virtual park.  I decided to try my best with the diet and the exercising, actually to try better than my best – to do everything to the glory of God.  Then I know He will give me the strength I need to endure the roller coaster of pound shedding and eventually reach my end goal.

Hey Little Girl, Whatcha Gonna Be When You Grow Up?

What do you want to be when you grow up?  Wow, what a question!  When I was a little girl at first I wanted to be Cher – my very first memory is of watching the Sonny and Cher show and her hair was gorgeous to me.  Then when I got a little older the answer was Crystal Gayle – again a hair thing, I guess.  Probably because my mother was a hairdresser and I was about thirteen before I discovered you could say no to questions such as, don’t you want a haircut or don’t you want a perm? But, then I got a little older and found out you can't be someone else when you grow up.  I had to start thinking of what kind of a job I would have when I grew up, because that's really what the question is asking.

For those of you who know me, you know I have been to school for A LOT trying to figure out the answer to this important question!  I started out going to college at Southern Illinois University (Go Dawgs!) studying mortuary science – no, that wasn't a typo.  See I grew up in a small town where my best friend's dad was a mortician and they lived upstairs at the funeral home, a la My Girl.  So this wasn't weird to me, I grew up around it, wanted to make a good living, and didn't want to be in school forever to be a doctor.  But after a semester I started to think of the heartache side of it all, how could I ever handle the death of a child and the poor family left behind?  As an 18 year old college freshman - I decided I just couldn't handle dealing with the loss of people's loved ones every day at work.  I became an undecided major, then declared a business/marketing major, then left SIU all together and took a semester off of school.

Next I moved to St. Louis and went to culinary school for a year and a half, I took all the cooking classes, but didn't like the business side of it all.  At this point I decided I don't know what in the world I want to be when I grow up, but I better get a trade to support myself in the meantime. I followed in my mom's footsteps and went to beauty school, I worked as hairdresser for a year and half and just couldn't seem to make a go of my clientele and business - I was staring at thirty and the very real possibility that I would still be living at home with my folks, where I had moved back in when I started beauty school.  I got online and ordered an SIU catalog, time to go back to school and get a degree, so I could be what I was going to be when I grew up.  I spent the next two years back in Carbondale, and then graduated with a degree in history and a teacher's certificate.  I decided I wanted to move back to Tennessee - even though I was born in Illinois my heart had always been there, we moved to Tennessee when I was 13 years old, and it felt like my whole life had been a vacation and I was finally home - my soul could just breathe there.  Much to the chagrin of my parents, who were now living back in Illinois,  I only applied for jobs in Tennessee - after a few kinks I ended up teaching seventh grade in a middle school in Shelby County.

For most of my life I had been in school or working and pretty much self-reliant.  I had been answering the question of what I wanted to be when I grew up, which was why so many things hadn't worked out or hadn't been as rewarding as I had expected them to be.  But, I was about to take on the hardest and most rewarding job I would ever have:  wife and mother, for which there is really no training or schooling to prepare you. This was what God wanted me to be when I grew up, and was what I would continue to be for the rest of my life. This was the only thing I had never known I wanted to be, but what I ended up loving to do more than anything I had ever done before and it was because it was what He wanted me to do with my life.

However, now that both Payton and Katherine are getting older the question of what job (outside of the home) I want to have when I grow up is one I am starting to re-visit.  As I type that, I’m swallowing back the gigantic alligator tears and anxiety of someone else spending the majority of the day with Kit-Kat as she will be off to nursery in a little over a year.  But as time stands still for no one I realize that it will soon be time for me to re-enter the working woman’s world. What to do is something I will have to ask God, because I know He is the only one whose plans will give me confidence, fulfillment, and love so that I can give these things back to my wonderful family.  The hardest part in asking God this question is His answer may not be the one I was wanting or the one I was looking for, however the easy part is, I know it will be the one I need.  It will be amazing to see what plans He has in store for me on my continued quest for what I want to be when I grow up.

Healing Of The Mind, Body, and Soul

This January 2012, I found myself not recognizing the person in the mirror.  I didn't know who I was anymore, and I wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy.  I felt so guilty about that!  I had been blessed beyond measure with a loving and understanding husband, and two beautiful little girls.  In this time of economic stress our country is in, we have a home, my husband has a job he loves, and I am lucky enough to stay home with our daughters. I have parents and siblings that love and support me.  But, I began to realize that if I was going to appreciate my blessings then I needed to change.  I needed to heal mind, body, and soul.  I needed to find myself again. I know the healing process will be a lot of work - but then again doesn't everyone have work to do in there lives?  So I decided to start this blog to chronicle the healing process - to hold myself accountable to make a change and not just another New Year's Resolution.

My Mind Problem:
Sometimes I find my mind drifting to events from the past and the what ifs of the future.  This has been both depressing and infuriating - you can't change the past and you can't prevent the future This is difficult for me, because I am a control freak.  I know those of you that have known me for longer than five minutes are sarcastically thinking - shocker.  So having admitted that, not being able to control a thought process that made me angry all the time was leading to depression and frustration.  My husband had told me a long time ago that I needed to take control and when I found myself in that downward spiral of thinking to stop and put thoughts of things that make me happy in my head.  So thoughts of my little girl have become my  happy place:  her sweet little voice, her recent accomplishments, her cute daily discoveries. This is something I am going to have to keep working on, I have people and events in my life, that frankly I wish I could just erase all together - but I can't. I am beginning to accept this and deal with these situations on a daily basis instead of thinking out future scenarios in a misguided attempt to be prepared, or thinking of past situations I could have handled better. So I guess when these times arise I will chronicle them and then how I try to flip it.  I don't expect myself to always be successful.  I do expect myself to try.

My Body Problem:
My body is out of shape, which is very hard as I have never been someone who exercises.  However, I had always been thin, until a few years ago. (Some would even say I had been skinny.  But, I hate the word skinny, it conjures up pictures of skin and bones and actually being called a bag of bones in high school - just what a teenage girl with low self-esteem doesn't need!)  I had been able to eat whole pizzas or a plate of cookies for breakfast and not gain weight, then when I turned 25, I turned around the next day and thought whoa where did that backside come from?  After that I wouldn't say I was overweight - I just wasn't unhealthy looking anymore.  Then in my thirties I got married and I got pregnant and never seemed to be able to shed the extra weight.  I did weight watchers last year and did seem to keep the majority of what I had lost off - but kept fluctuating back towards the point I had been before the diet.  I know you have to eat healthy, exercise, and take care of yourself - but I never had to do this before.  I had always had a great metabolism and an extreme sweet tooth - deadly combination for laziness.  So now I am dedicated to loose the weight.  I have a friend who started a blog and is brave enough to post her actual weight and pictures as she starts a biggest loser competition - I am not that brave.  I will however, post about the continuing process of re-training myself to eat correctly and exercising.  I know I will never be the one hundred and fifteen pounds I was in high school.  Like I said that's not healthy either and I have accepted that I will weigh more than that seventeen year old girl.  I just want to be a healthy weight and not hear Mammy's voice in my head every time I fight the battle of the closet, "You done had a baby Miss Scarlet - you ain't never gone be no 18 and a half inches again."  I am proud to say that in the past week I have been back on weight watchers and exercising via the wii fit and am going toward my weight loss goal at a good rate - I just have to remember to take it one day at a time.  My mom gave me some great advice that she had given herself as well - you didn't put it on in a week - it's going to take longer than a week to take it off.

My Soul Problem:
This is a problem I have struggled with all my life, I have and will always love God.  I have always felt like I am His special child.  I know He has never left my side and never will.  I also know there have been many times that as He has been my side I have disappointed Him beyond belief - probably to the point of sobs.  When I was a child I had Sunday School teachers that had convinced me I was going to hell.  But as I grew up and started to read the Bible for myself I realized that just wasn't true.  I accepted being human and making mistakes - this doesn't give me a blank check for bad behavior just comfort in the fact that I can be forgiven.  In December of 2010 - I made the decision that I will no longer be a lazy church goer.  I would start going every Sunday even if I went all alone.  I did have to go a few times alone, but now over a year later I am happy to say that barring the weekends we go to visit my parents or the occasional illness we as a family have been at Sunday School and church services on a weekly basis.  I have been going to a Bible study on Friday mornings for the better part of a year and a half and dedicating time to prayer during the week.  Does this mean I'm perfect - absolutely not.  Does it mean my soul is healed - no!  I still mess up all the time, I still hang my head and shed tears at the times I know I have failed God.  But, I can say that if I use the past year a s a measuring stick - I am in a better place, a place closer to God than I have ever been in my life.  It is a continuing process though, I have to remind myself as soon as I see fault in someone else - remember you have faults too - what about just yesterday when you did...  I try hard and struggle daily with forgiveness.  I try hard to remind myself I have to forgive - it's what God wants me to do even if they don't deserve it.  After all I don't deserve to be forgiven - yet He always forgives me & His example is what I need to follow.

So I will chronicle the times I struggle and how as a child of God I pick myself up and keep trying to walk through this life the way He wants me to do.