Last week I thought I had lost enough weight to go down a size in jeans. I was able to put on the size below the one I have been wearing, but they looked tight and made me have a serious muffin top. I also tried on a single digit size pair of jeans and was able to actually pull them up over my thighs! This should have been a victory, but I saw how fat even my knees looked in that full size mirror, and I felt bad about myself because I wasn’t already to my target weight. I didn’t buy the smaller size jeans, I decided to wait until I felt more comfortable in them, and I was disappointed – I had to give myself a pep talk on the way home about fitting into them and being able to zip and button and the fact that I had been able to pull up the single digit size jeans. Despite the pep talk and telling myself it was a victory – I still felt bad about myself and like a loser – not a pounds loser, just a loser in general. I was sad, but had to keep reminding myself it took over four years to get to where you are, and in a week you have made progress. I ended up being OK with all of this by the end of the evening and seeing it as progress.
Then the weekend came. I went out to lunch and even though I chose to get the whole wheat bread on my BLT sandwich and not eat the chips that came with it – I did splurge and help my friend eat the fried foods appetizer. Then on Sunday, I went out to eat with my family after church and had a taco salad – I did get the chicken version. But, I did not exercise Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, so I knew this wasn’t going to be good on Monday morning’s weigh in, even though I tried to convince myself that I had walked around quite a bit on Saturday shopping after the fried foods lunch – I still just knew the wii would say “ooooh” in that condescending tone when I stepped on it. I was right; when I weighed in on Monday I had gone back up 2.8 pounds. Since then I have taken off what I put back on during my weekend of laziness, but then yesterday I ate even less and exercised but somehow when I weighed in, I had gained again this morning. Now I know why it’s called the roller coaster diet, and have a greater appreciation for people who have had weight battles all of their lives. I’m the lucky one who just recently joined the weight war, but it is still so frustrating and infuriating!
My husband told me not to let it ruin my whole day, I’m trying not to, but I am down! As I feel defeated, I am telling myself you are trying and you are losing, and that patience is a virtue for a reason. I have been watching my points on weight watchers and exercising via the wii fit plus, and I just have to keep up the hard work and pray for the strength to keep walking past the cupcakes and cookies when I go grocery shopping and to eat my Special K chips in the snack cabinet as opposed to the ones I bought for the rest of the family.
So today in order to keep myself in a positive attitude as I attempt to heal mind, body and soul, I think of yesterday’s exercising experience. I had a real reveleation during exercising yesterday. Here’s what happened: I decided to try the aerobics part of the wii fit program – I have been easing myself into exercising with strength training, yoga, and balance games. But yesterday I decided to try and burn more calories by doing the running part. When you run using the wii you run through a park and there is your mii (basically a cartoon version of you) and other miis running with you, running through the park, and even standing on the side of the path cheering for you. A long time ago when we first got our wii, my family got together and downloaded a bunch of mii characters, we have Scooby Doo, Homer Simpson, Ned Flanders, Mr. Burns, Wednesday Adams, Johnny Depp, Einstein, Batman, Jason from the Friday the 13th movies, Will Smith, Chicken Little, a coupleof the guys from KISS in their full makeup, and a very wide range of other characters. Most importantly we have a Jesus mii, yesterday I was feeling down as I exercised because I hadn’t placed in the rankings with my strength training or yoga. But, as I ran around a corner in the park, who was there cheering me on? The Jesus mii! Wow – in that moment I felt good about myself, good that I was trying, good to know that even if I can’t run well, don’t place in rankings when I train, or get my mii all the way down the river in the balance bubble game – there is still someone I have a high ranking with, someone who loves me for me no matter what – God! So I picked up my pace and really gave it my all as I ran through the virtual park. I decided to try my best with the diet and the exercising, actually to try better than my best – to do everything to the glory of God. Then I know He will give me the strength I need to endure the roller coaster of pound shedding and eventually reach my end goal.
