Healing Of The Mind, Body, and Soul

This January 2012, I found myself not recognizing the person in the mirror.  I didn't know who I was anymore, and I wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy.  I felt so guilty about that!  I had been blessed beyond measure with a loving and understanding husband, and two beautiful little girls.  In this time of economic stress our country is in, we have a home, my husband has a job he loves, and I am lucky enough to stay home with our daughters. I have parents and siblings that love and support me.  But, I began to realize that if I was going to appreciate my blessings then I needed to change.  I needed to heal mind, body, and soul.  I needed to find myself again. I know the healing process will be a lot of work - but then again doesn't everyone have work to do in there lives?  So I decided to start this blog to chronicle the healing process - to hold myself accountable to make a change and not just another New Year's Resolution.

My Mind Problem:
Sometimes I find my mind drifting to events from the past and the what ifs of the future.  This has been both depressing and infuriating - you can't change the past and you can't prevent the future This is difficult for me, because I am a control freak.  I know those of you that have known me for longer than five minutes are sarcastically thinking - shocker.  So having admitted that, not being able to control a thought process that made me angry all the time was leading to depression and frustration.  My husband had told me a long time ago that I needed to take control and when I found myself in that downward spiral of thinking to stop and put thoughts of things that make me happy in my head.  So thoughts of my little girl have become my  happy place:  her sweet little voice, her recent accomplishments, her cute daily discoveries. This is something I am going to have to keep working on, I have people and events in my life, that frankly I wish I could just erase all together - but I can't. I am beginning to accept this and deal with these situations on a daily basis instead of thinking out future scenarios in a misguided attempt to be prepared, or thinking of past situations I could have handled better. So I guess when these times arise I will chronicle them and then how I try to flip it.  I don't expect myself to always be successful.  I do expect myself to try.

My Body Problem:
My body is out of shape, which is very hard as I have never been someone who exercises.  However, I had always been thin, until a few years ago. (Some would even say I had been skinny.  But, I hate the word skinny, it conjures up pictures of skin and bones and actually being called a bag of bones in high school - just what a teenage girl with low self-esteem doesn't need!)  I had been able to eat whole pizzas or a plate of cookies for breakfast and not gain weight, then when I turned 25, I turned around the next day and thought whoa where did that backside come from?  After that I wouldn't say I was overweight - I just wasn't unhealthy looking anymore.  Then in my thirties I got married and I got pregnant and never seemed to be able to shed the extra weight.  I did weight watchers last year and did seem to keep the majority of what I had lost off - but kept fluctuating back towards the point I had been before the diet.  I know you have to eat healthy, exercise, and take care of yourself - but I never had to do this before.  I had always had a great metabolism and an extreme sweet tooth - deadly combination for laziness.  So now I am dedicated to loose the weight.  I have a friend who started a blog and is brave enough to post her actual weight and pictures as she starts a biggest loser competition - I am not that brave.  I will however, post about the continuing process of re-training myself to eat correctly and exercising.  I know I will never be the one hundred and fifteen pounds I was in high school.  Like I said that's not healthy either and I have accepted that I will weigh more than that seventeen year old girl.  I just want to be a healthy weight and not hear Mammy's voice in my head every time I fight the battle of the closet, "You done had a baby Miss Scarlet - you ain't never gone be no 18 and a half inches again."  I am proud to say that in the past week I have been back on weight watchers and exercising via the wii fit and am going toward my weight loss goal at a good rate - I just have to remember to take it one day at a time.  My mom gave me some great advice that she had given herself as well - you didn't put it on in a week - it's going to take longer than a week to take it off.

My Soul Problem:
This is a problem I have struggled with all my life, I have and will always love God.  I have always felt like I am His special child.  I know He has never left my side and never will.  I also know there have been many times that as He has been my side I have disappointed Him beyond belief - probably to the point of sobs.  When I was a child I had Sunday School teachers that had convinced me I was going to hell.  But as I grew up and started to read the Bible for myself I realized that just wasn't true.  I accepted being human and making mistakes - this doesn't give me a blank check for bad behavior just comfort in the fact that I can be forgiven.  In December of 2010 - I made the decision that I will no longer be a lazy church goer.  I would start going every Sunday even if I went all alone.  I did have to go a few times alone, but now over a year later I am happy to say that barring the weekends we go to visit my parents or the occasional illness we as a family have been at Sunday School and church services on a weekly basis.  I have been going to a Bible study on Friday mornings for the better part of a year and a half and dedicating time to prayer during the week.  Does this mean I'm perfect - absolutely not.  Does it mean my soul is healed - no!  I still mess up all the time, I still hang my head and shed tears at the times I know I have failed God.  But, I can say that if I use the past year a s a measuring stick - I am in a better place, a place closer to God than I have ever been in my life.  It is a continuing process though, I have to remind myself as soon as I see fault in someone else - remember you have faults too - what about just yesterday when you did...  I try hard and struggle daily with forgiveness.  I try hard to remind myself I have to forgive - it's what God wants me to do even if they don't deserve it.  After all I don't deserve to be forgiven - yet He always forgives me & His example is what I need to follow.

So I will chronicle the times I struggle and how as a child of God I pick myself up and keep trying to walk through this life the way He wants me to do.